As requested here's a little follow up, 6 months later:
Anger management's probably the most exciting time I've ever had. First off, they encourage you to get mad at the sessions. I actually have no anger problems, nor did I before this whole fiasco. Which gave me a great chance to do much like bert has been doing with his psychologist, and mess around. I've been doing this really difficult act of pretending to be a possibly closet homosexual with a fear of just about everything. The difficult part is to not laugh. For example when I went in for my first day:
When reading this, read it with a slight lisp, smack your lips at every period, extend the last word and draw a deep breath at the commas, and above all, use your hands to talk.
me: "Hi, my names Hans. I don't spell it with a Z, but I think that might be a little too fabulous for even me to pull off. I was told to come here by my probation officer, he's a real cutie. He felt my court case against my ex girlfriend was enough to make him and his handsome little partner think I might have difficult controling my anger so here I am!"
group leader: "Can you tell us the last time you were upset, and how you reacted?"
me: "Oh sure, well it was about a week ago. I was at home watching sex and the city with my girlfriend whom I just finished having a hot passionate time with, so I went to get us a snack of some scrumscious B & J (ben and jerrys, but my gay roommate last year always refered to it as BJ or B&J, so i barrowed this) from the freezer when I stubbed my toe on one of her hot little high heels from steve madden, she got them at a sale earlier that week, just to die for."
group leader: "But how did you react then, when you got upset?"
me: "Well i totally blew up. I bit my lip and turned around and gave her a stern talking to"
group leader: "did you use profanity?"
me: "Heavens no! I told her that she could have had them ruined if I wasn't bare foot, and that would just be a horrible crime, as that sale was just too good to be true."
You can imagine how it went from there. They dismissed me after the first day of it, never to go back again. 1 obsticle down, a few more left. The other big exciting thing was the drug testing. They failed to transfer me to columbus, apparently they found out that I knew too many people down here in columbus, and that the country prosecutor in columbus was keeping on eye on the case. He wanted to take my ex to court for all the crap she did down here in columbus, but wasn't able to get her legally unless she was within 200miles and I filed charges, but I always filed a police report, but never charges. So drug testing, once a month it was.
I had to drive up to the building accross the street from her house for the drug testing. Where my probation officer would fill out a form, I'd take the form to the basement of the building where the lab was, and have them test me. The lab was little more than 4 policemen turned into honorary scientists. It's a pretty ghetto city. The way the system works for adults, is they classify you as to the odds of how likely you are to fail the test, and how likely you are to cheat on it. I was classified as never going to fail it, but that I was always going to try and cheat. I think the smart cop#2 was to blame for this. This threw me into an odd catagory. It ment they only needed to test me once a month, I could pick the day, but when they tested me, they full on tested me.
Let me explain how this works exactly for anyone never been professionaly drug tested. There's the visit your doctor and give a sample style, they give you a cup, you go home, come back the next day. Then there's the doctor walks you to a bathroom, hands you a cup, you come out with a sample. Most professional drug testing, there's someone in there with you watching you. Most of the time they stand behind you at a urinal or so, and just gaze at my ass. Creepy.... The two levels below what I received consisted of the guy instead of stands behind you, stands next to you and watches you. The other the guy makes you remove your pants first and anything around your lower region that could hide objects.
Mine I'd classify more like one of those full service gas stations, where they come out and wash your windows, check the oil, fill the tank, check tire pressure, and then give you a smack on the back of the car when it's all done and you can drive off. Except it probably more so resembled something like a full service strip club where the strippers were really perverted scientists.
I was able to get in plenty of trouble with this too. I have a hard time going under pressure, let alone someone operating my junk for me. So I had to find a way to break the tension, and so the conversations began with my 6 visits....
me: "You've got some cold hands there you know"
he remained silent....
me: "This is great, normally I have to buy a chick a few drinks first"
he gives me a weird ass look
me: "Uhhh I mean, well, their better. I think it's the effort that counts, do I get a comment card to fill out when were done?"
me: "Long time no see, any chance we can switch this time?"
gives me a slight laugh
me: "Don't worry, I showered this morning, just for you"
the 4th time was the best, I figured I wanted to mess with the guy some so I colored my junk with a green highlighter
me: "Does this look normal to you?"
he starts to laugh but quickly catches himself
me: "OOOOOooooo your cold hands are soo soothing on it, it kind of burns a little I suppose"
the 5th visit I couldn't squeeze out a drop. I had to stand there for about 10minutes with this guy. I forget what we talked about, I think i asked him for some beer and said how that always made me have to go. keep in mind drinking is not allowed on my probation either.
the 6th visit i drank maybe a gallon of water before to make sure I had to go
me: "I'd really like to ask you something"
him: "What?"
me: "I've been coming here 6 months and you've still yet to tell me if i'm pregnant!"
this resulted in me getting an even stricter testing for fear of me cheating...
After my 6th months were up, maybe 3-5 weeks ago, I received a phone call in the morning from my probation officer telling me I've been removed from the system on account of my good behavior. Personally I felt making an ass of the system was bad behavior.
This bring you all up to date then. I'm now back to being a full citizen or something, and I'll be able to clear my record in about a year or so to make it look like this never happened. I'll copy and paste part of the journal from it showing what I ended up pleaing to, and then being released.
05/31/05 SENTENCING
DEFT APPEARED IN COURT FOR SENTENCING AFTER HAVING ENTERED
A PLEA OF GUILTY TO THE FOLLOWING CHARGES:
COUNT 1: MENACING BY STALKING, 2903.211(A), M-1
UPON CONSIDERATION OF ALL MATTERS SET FORTH BY LAW IT IS THE
JUDGEMENT OF LAW AND SENTENCE OF THE COURT THAT THE DEFT
BE SENTENCED:
COUNT 1: 30 DAYS IN LCCF
SENTENCE OF IMPRISONMENT IN LCCF IS SUSPENDED, THE FINE AND
COSTS ARE NOT SUSPENDED, AND THE DEFT IS PLACED ON PROBATION
FOR 1 YEAR ENDING 5/27/06. DEFT IS ORDERED TO PAY THE
COSTS OF SUPERVISION FEES OF $240.00. NO CONTACT WITH
VICTIM. OBEY ALL ORDERS AND DIRECTIONS OF THE ADULT
PROBATION DEPARTMENT. (EMZ) VOL. 958 PAGE 3273
10/27/05 PROB/TERM
PROBATIONER IS HEREBY DISCHARGED FROM PROBATION AND
RESTORED TO ALL CIVIL RIGHTS. SEE JOURNAL.
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hans (november 28, 2005 at 11:13 pm)
