The doorbell rings, and MR. DEVENPORT
goes to answer it.
BERT
Hi -
MR. DEVENPORT
We're not interested.
BERT
But I'm here to take your daughter out.
MR. DEVENPORT
Which one?
BERT
Eva.
MR. DEVENPORT
She's not ready yet. Come on in.
BERT
Thanks.
BERT enters the living room and MR.
DEVENPORT goes into the kitchen. BERT
stands around for a little bit and then
decides to sit on the couch. He crosses
his leg, uncrosses it, sits straight
up, twiddles his thumbs, then leans
back. MR. DEVENPORT enters the room
with a 0.7 liter bottle of Jagermeister
in one hand and a two-liter bottle of
Dr. Pepper in the other.
MR. DEVENPORT
I said come on in, not make yourself at home.
BERT
I-
MR. DEVENPORT
That's my seat, you can have that loveseat over there.
BERT
Yes, Mr. Devenport.
BERT sits on the loveseat and MR.
DEVENPORT takes the couch.
MR. DEVENPORT
Well, I'll be damned, you know my daughter's last name.
You've done your research. But you know what they say?
BERT
What who says?
MR. DEVENPORT
They.
BERT
Oh, they. No.
MR. DEVENPORT
You should know someone's middle name before you sleep with
them.
BERT
That's, uhh. That's a good rule of thumb.
MR. DEVENPORT
Do you know Eva's middle name?
BERT
No.
MR. DEVENPORT
Good.
MR. DEVENPORT swigs from the Dr. Pepper
bottle.
MR. DEVENPORT
You know why they call that a loveseat?
BERT
No.
MR. DEVENPORT
It's called a loveseat because you can't have sex on it. The
farthest you can get is maybe second or third base. Thus, not
a lust seat.
BERT
Sir, I just want you to know that my intentions for your
daughter are honorable.
MR. DEVENPORT
What's your name?
BERT
Bert.
MR. DEVENPORT
Jack.
MR. DEVENPORT extends his hand, BERT
shakes it.
MR. DEVENPORT
Now, Bert, don't you think that everybody has good
intentions?
BERT
Well, I can think of a few people off hand that don't.
MR. DEVENPORT
Name one.
BERT
Richard Nixon.
MR. DEVENPORT
I only have an answer for Hitler or Stalin.
BERT
Stalin.
MR. DEVENPORT
You see, Stalin had good intentions. He did everything for
Russia and when he murdered someone, he believed it to be for
the good of the country.
BERT
I see.
MR. DEVENPORT
This isn't a lecture, Bert. You can argue with me.
BERT
I don't like to discuss politics.
MR. DEVENPORT
This isn't politics. We're talking about Stalin.
BERT
I thought we were talking about your daughter.
MR. DEVENPORT
Let's talk about Stalin first.
BERT
What's there to talk about? No one debates about Stalin. The
consensus is that Stalin wasn't a very good person.
MR. DEVENPORT
Stalin was a good guy.
BERT
No, he wasn't.
MR. DEVENPORT
Everybody, when it comes down to it, is a good guy. Now I
want you to tell me why Stalin was a good guy.
BERT
What?
MR. DEVENPORT
I want you to tell me why Stalin was a good guy.
BERT
He had a well-groomed mustache.
MR. DEVENPORT
There, was it that hard?
BERT
No.
MR. DEVENPORT
I'm going to tell you a little story. A couple years ago, I
worked for an electronics store called The Good Guys! And you
know why I did it?
BERT
Why?
MR. DEVENPORT
So I could get a name badge that said, Jack Devenport - Good
Guy. I quit the next day.
BERT
Did they make you give back the badge?
MR. DEVENPORT
Yeah. But that's not the point. The point is that I believed
in something and I worked for it.
BERT
I see.
MR. DEVENPORT
No, I don't think you do. You see, Eva isn't getting ready.
BERT
She's not?
MR. DEVENPORT
She was ready an hour ago. I locked her in her room.
BERT
You locked her in her room?
MR. DEVENPORT
Yes.
BERT
Why would you do that?
MR. DEVENPORT
Because I'm going to decide whether or not you can take her
out.
BERT
Couldn't we do that with her not locked in her room?
MR. DEVENPORT
No, because the last time she was giving the guy the answers.
BERT
I don't know about this.
MR. DEVENPORT
Look, do you want to take my daughter out?
BERT
(eyeing the front door)
Yes.
MR. DEVENPORT
I see you eyeing the front door, Bert. You're beginning to
think this is not worth it.
BERT
No, it's just that-
MR. DEVENPORT
I assure you it is. Now what's it going to be?
BERT
All right, let's do it.
MR. DEVENPORT
All right. What do you think of my daughter?
BERT
She's.. nice.
MR. DEVENPORT
Do you speak English, son?
BERT
Yes.
MR. DEVENPORT
You speak English. There are tens of thousands of adjectives
in the English language and you pick nice.
BERT
She's pretty.
MR. DEVENPORT
Is she cute?
BERT
Yes.
MR. DEVENPORT
No.
BERT
What?
MR. DEVENPORT
Girls can either be pretty, or cute. They can't be both. Have
some Dr. Pepper.
MR. DEVENPORT hands the two-liter of
Dr. Pepper to BERT.
BERT
Can I have a glass?
MR. DEVENPORT
No glasses. Chug.
BERT drinks some Dr. Pepper and sets it
down.
MR. DEVENPORT
Now here's a brain teaser for you. Let's say you have two
liters of Dr. Pepper and 0.7 liters of Jagermeister. How do
you get exactly 0.7 liters of Jagermeister in the 2 liter
bottle?
BERT
Couldn't you just pour it?
MR. DEVENPORT
You could, but the 2 liter bottle is full.
BERT
Don't you need a third container for this to work?
MR. DEVENPORT
Correct! You're the third container!
BERT
Excuse me?
MR. DEVENPORT
You're the third container.
BERT
I'm not following you.
MR. DEVENPORT
The solution is simple. You drink 0.7 liters of Jagermeister.
Then we pour Dr. Pepper into the Jagermeister bottle until it
is full, and then I punch you in the stomach and you
regurgitate 0.7 liters of Jagermeister into the Dr. Pepper
bottle. Shake and serve cold or on ice.
BERT
I'm not drinking 0.7 liters of Jagermeister. Look, why don't
I just drink 0.7 liters of Dr. Pepper, and then you can pour
the Jagermeister into the Dr. Pepper bottle.
MR. DEVENPORT
Congratulations, you just passed the first part of the test.
You know a boy named Scott Mathias?
BERT
Yes.
MR. DEVENPORT
That boy cannot hold his Jagermeister. Now start drinking
this Dr. Pepper while I tell you a story.
BERT starts drinking Dr. Pepper.
MR. DEVENPORT
I think it's rather trite and cliche to tell stories about
World War II when people come over to date my daughter, which
is exactly why I do it. You see, I wasn't actually in the
war. At that time, I was fighting a different kind of war,
one you wouldn't read about in Time magazine, but if there
were a Time magazine for it, I'd be on the cover of it, let
me tell you. No, I was fighting the war on blacklights.
BERT stops drinking.
BERT
Blacklights?
MR. DEVENPORT
Blacklights were invented in the early 40's and even then, I
knew they were lame. The minute I saw the first batch I knew
that they had to be destroyed. Keep drinking.
BERT starts drinking again.
MR. DEVENPORT
Everybody thought they were the greatest thing since sliced
bread, which as we all know, is nothing to write home about
to begin with. But not me, I knew the natural progression
once those blacklights started getting mass-produced, a bunch
of hippies sitting around in their rooms because suddenly
they had new rooms. But they were the SAME ROOMS!
BERT
Well, I think that's about 0.7 liters there.
MR. DEVENPORT
Let's see what we got here.
MR. DEVENPORT takes the bottle of
Jagermeister and slowly pours it into
the bottle of Dr. Pepper. It fills up
exactly. He puts the cap on the Dr.
Pepper, shakes it, and then takes a
swig.
MR. DEVENPORT
This is called Dr. Jager. I invented it when I was bartending
down in Barbados. Here's a question for you. Is pi an
irrational number?
BERT
Yes.
MR. DEVENPORT
What about twenty-two divided by seven?
BERT
It's an approximation.
MR. DEVENPORT
I'll be damned. How much money do you have in your wallet?
BERT
Sixty dollars.
MR. DEVENPORT
Let's see it.
BERT takes out his wallet and opens it
to show him three 20's. MR. DEVENPORT
takes them and puts them in his pocket.
MR. DEVENPORT
Where were you going to take my daughter tonight, Bert?
BERT
An Italian restaurant.
MR. DEVENPORT
What were you going to have?
BERT
The fettucini alfredo with mushrooms.
MR. DEVENPORT
What were you going to talk about?
BERT
I don't know, I'm starting to think that I have nothing to
talk about.
MR. DEVENPORT
And afterwards?
BERT
A movie.
MR. DEVENPORT
Movies make terrible first dates. The two of you sitting in a
dark room not saying anything to each other for two hours.
You have to come to realize that you don't need money to
enjoy yourselves. Why don't you go for a walk in the park,
instead?
BERT
I want to impress her.
MR. DEVENPORT
Impress her with your wit, and your imagination. Do you know
what I did on my first date?
BERT
What?
MR. DEVENPORT
I scaled the wall to a Mormon temple.
BERT
You want me to go on a date with your daughter with no money?
MR. DEVENPORT
I want you to learn to enjoy life without the bounds of a
capitalistic society. Now I want you to go outside, and ring
the doorbell again, and this time, Eva will answer.
BERT
Thank you, Mr. Devenport.
MR. DEVENPORT
No problem.
MR. DEVENPORT walks BERT to the front
door and closes it after him. He goes
back to the couch and swigs from the
Dr. Jager. The doorbell rings, he goes
to answer it.
BERT
Mr. Devenport?
MR. DEVENPORT
The Devenports live two blocks down the street. The bad news
is you're half an hour late. The good news is you have
something to talk about. On your way out, could you turn the
nine on my address upside down so it reads six? Thanks.
MR. DEVENPORT closes the door and sits
back down on the couch. He chugs the
Dr. Jager until it is gone. He burps,
picks up the phone, and hits redial.
MR. DEVENPORT
Yeah, I need a delivery. A 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper and a
0.7 liter of Jagermeister.
-
bertrand (february 21, 2005 at 7:34 am)
