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Katie Holmes to Seventeen magazine last October, presumably well before she started dating Tom Cruise: "I think every little girl dreams about [her wedding]. I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise." (Seventeen via IMDB)
It’s funny that you ask this, Kelly, because when I heard about it from my sister, which she prefaced by saying, “The world is ending…”, I was undoubtedly shaken. I set my personal problems aside, which are numerous, and gave old Tom Cruise a call. He was between Bob, DJ and Diamond, Dustin.
“Tom, let me get straight to it, what the hell is wrong with you?”
“Well, Bertrand, when you get to be my age…”
“60?”
“47.”
“Close enough.”
“When you get to be my age, you come to realize there are certain things in life that are important to you.”
“Using your celebrity status to influence presidential elections?”
“Banging Katie Holmes.”
“But how did you come to the conclusion that you wanted to bang Katie Holmes, to use the parlance of our times?”
“That’s none of your goddamn business.”
“See, this is my theory. Nicole Kidman does better films than you, so…”
“Nic doesn’t do better films than me!”
“Tom, when she was doing Moulin Rouge, you were doing Vanilla Sky. When she was making The Hours, you made Minority Report.”
“Stepford Wives got panned!”
“I’m going to tell you this right now, it kicked the shit out of Collateral. So Nicole Kidman does better films than you, and you got tired of that. You were on a plane watching First Daughter and you saw Katie Holmes and thought, if I dated her, I’d be making better movies than her!”
“Not true.”
“The Gift?”
“No, that’s not what happened.”
“All right, what happened?”
“Well, I was sitting at home on a Friday night, having a cappuccino and some blow, and the kids were lying on the floor watching Dawson’s Creek, and my youngest, Conor, turns to me and says, `I bet you couldn’t sleep with her!’ and pointed to Katie Holmes. I sat up from the couch, ruffled his hair, and then yanked his head back and said, `Look, you little shit, I’m fucking Tom Cruise! I can sleep with anybody I want!’ Then Isabelle, my daughter, says, `Is that why you had sex with Val Kilmer?’ and I said, `Where did you hear that bullshit?’ and Conor says, `Mommy says that you’re L. Ron Hubbard’s bitch and that’s why you sleep with men.’ And it was around that time that I decided to bang Katie Holmes.”
“Which episode was it?”
“What?”
“Which episode of Dawson’s Creek was it?”
“Oh, it was the one where Joey goes to visit her dad in jail and Dawson realizes that he has feelings for her.”
“Good episode.”
“Yeah.”
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