Sesame Street Nightmare
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has
apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead;
including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend,
roommate, and occasional lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding
Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City
Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this
hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with the New York City
Police. Kermit-the-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as
police stormed the five story tenament building where the bird was holding
Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a
kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of
automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and
Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.
NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists,
have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by
police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame
Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed.
Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prarie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed
muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy
muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend).
Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local
Hooper's.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away
from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets.
Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the
police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene
at the time, Mr. Snuffalufagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big
Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie
is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock
this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour
of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds
of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in
their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his
car and beat him with large, styrofoam letters. Police again arrived on the
scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very
high.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street.
Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets
ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting
Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue
firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and
storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets
are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with
counting and alphabet songs.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street
after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street,
lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testiment of the night of wild outrage.
Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full
riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be seen
staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was
reported running down the street crying and yelling: "Ten, ten lifeless
muppet bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several
people reported rug-burns.
NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, friend, and longtime roommate of the murdered muppet
Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet
funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
"I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by
millions thoughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His
paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders.
Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for
the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was
Bert who told us all, 'anyone who can hang as many paperclips together as
Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country.'"
"I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving
creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him,
but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love
him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him,
with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to 'just get
along' with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but it
wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed."
