Here is something I’m hoping you will find funny. I’m certain most of you laugh at how stupid you most certainly feel I am for going along with this whole “spiritual” levels theory. Just so, you are aware that not only can I laugh with you at myself on this rather intimate subject, guess what tonight’s episode of South Park was about. Here is a piece:
Stan, who was trying to save his money to buy a bike, did not go w/ his friends to play “laser tag.” So, instead, on his way home, he ran into a group of people who call themselves scientologists. (Scien“tom”ologists) They were offering free psychological surveys, so Stan, being just a kid, figured he’d give it a go. After the survey, the person, who could not even remember Stan’s name, (And kept referring to him as Craig) told Stan that he was one “confused” cookie if you will. He said, “You are very depressed, and very, very confused.” Stan said, “I am?” “That you are.” “I didn’t know I was depressed. What can I do about it?” “Well, I think scientology is definitely what you need. For a nominal fee of $250, I think we can help you.”
So, Stan went home, sat at the dinner table, and said, “I’m depressed.” His mother then said, “Why are you depressed?” “I don’t know. I need $250.” “Well why do you need $250?” “Because I need this self-help program.” “No, no, no, you cannot have $250,” said Stan’s father. “Well don’t you care that I am depressed and need $250 to help me?” “Stan,” his father continues, “You have to learn to make choices. If you’re so depressed, then why don’t you take the money from your savings for your bike?” “But that’s my money.” “Exactly, so you need to choose, whether or not you either want a bike, or want to cure your depression.”
Next day, Stan gets to the scientomology clinic if you will, and they explain to him what they do. “You see Stan, what we’ll have you do, is use this “faecal” matter reading machine that detects the level of “faecal” matter in you, and this will help determine where you are and how we can help you,” or something like that. “What I’ll do now, is ask you to take a deep breath, and just check for a reading before we start, okay?” “Okay. Feeeww.” “Oh, my God.” “What, what’s wrong?” “Oh, nothing, it must be a mistake or something; no one has that much faecal matter in them. Let me go check with someone for a quick second..."
To try and get to the funnier schtuff, allow me to skip ahead. Turns out, none of the followers of this “religion” if you will, have ever reached a faecal matter level of higher than 1-7… Now here is what scientomologists, “ACTUALLY” believe, if you can even believe it. They believe that aliens, who were thrown into a volcano here on earth by their enemy, died, and when their souls rose up to go to heaven, their enemy who then made them watch TV sucked them into a vacuum of some sort to place them in a room in front of a TV. Then, after so may thousands of years of being brainwashed, they were let out into the world, and attached themselves to men and women, and thus, that is why we are all so brain washed, confused, and often even, depressed.
After reading Stan’s faecal meter four times, by four different machines, he turned out to be the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, one of the most famous science fiction writers of all time who just happened to be their one and only “profit.” Stan’s reading on the faecal meter was a level 9, so according to them, this has to mean he is L. Ron Hubbard, right?…
When word got out on this, scientomologists all around the world, including John Travolta as well as Tom Cruise, himself, wanted to meet Stan. “Ronny” says Tom. “Ronny, it’s you.” “Hi Tom, can you get out of my bedroom please,” says Stan. “Well, did I do something wrong? Don’t you like any of my movies?” “Well, sure, you’re OK, I guess, not Leonardo De Caprio or anything, but you’re alright.” “What?” “I mean, you’re alright, the guy who played in Napoleon Dynamite was a better actor, but you’re OK, I guess.” “I can’t believe this. I’m nothing. I’m a failure in the eyes of the profit. Waaaahh..”
And then guess what Tom Cruise did next? Come on, go ahead, take a crack at it… He went into Stan’s Closet.
“Dad? Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet.” “What’s that son?” “Tom won’t come out of the closet.” Stan’s dad says, “Tom, come out of the closet.” “I don’t want to.” “Tom, no one cares, just come out of the closet, okay?” “No! Just leave me alone!” “Well we can’t leave you alone Tom because you won’t come out of the closet.” Then, from the street, the South Park County P.D. says, “Tom, please come out of the closet.” Then, John Travolta paid a visit to Stan’s bedroom and pleads with Tom. “Tom, you gotta come out of the closet, oh my God.” “No matter what you say, I’m not coming out of the closet.” “Well, I’ll tell you what Tom, oh my God. Won’t you just come out of the closet?” “No!” “Well, how ‘bout this. Just open up the door, and I’ll come in the closet, so we can talk, how ‘bout that? I promise no funny business or anything. I won’t try and get you out of the closet.” The door opens. John walks in. “I feel really safe here, oh my God.”
Next thing you know, R. Kelly, who is threatening people in the street that he will kill them if Tom and John don’t come out of the closet, ends up in Stan’s room also. “I’m gonna give ya to the count of three, and if you don’t come out of the closet, I’m gonna wack you. One, I’m gonna wack you, Two, I’m gonna wack this bitch here. Three…” The door opens. R. Kelly goes into the closet. “Now I’m in the closet, I’m in the closet too.” Then, Nicole Kidman pleads with Tom to come out of the Closet. “Tom, no one cares, alright. If you come out of the closet, no one is going to do anything to hurt you, OK baby. Now, come out of the closet.” “I’m not in the closet.” “Tom, come on now… You’re in the closet, or I wouldn’t be talking to you right now.” “I’m not in the closet.” “You are in the closet.” “I’m not in here.” “Tom, come out of the closet.” “I’m not here.” “Tom, you can’t hide forever, just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn’t like your acting!”
Stan’s agent then explains to Stan how it all works, how now he can begin writing and explaining things to scientomologists all over the world, to continue having them pay a nominal fee for their needed help. Then Stan goes, “But, I don’t feel we should charge people to become involved in this.” The agent then goes, “What are you stupid or something? If we don’t charge them, then how will we make 3 million dollars? You don’t actually believe this bullshit do you? Aliens coming to earth and attaching themselves to our bodies? Come on now…” “I don’t understand. I thought you believed all this.” "No. Don’t you get it? What’s better than telling everyone a stupid story and then getting them to pay you money for it?” “Ok, I guess I understand now…”
When Stan finally comes to his senses, he says, “I’m sorry, but this just isn’t right. We’re all confused and we’re all looking for answers but we shouldn’t be charging others for our own answers.” His agent then denied what he originally told Stan, then Tom, John and R. Kelly came out of the closet, and all the scientomologists in the streets threatened to sue Stan for denouncing their faith. “Fine, go ahead and sue me then. I don’t care!”
In conclusion, scientomology may be somewhat related as far as their belief in levels of spirituality is concerned, but I am sure anyone here is more than capable of recognizing the differences that exist. Point is, it is all funny, so do not forget to laugh. However, I do admit, actually having watched it would probably be even funnier, do not get me wrong. That is why I shared it…
